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[angrycrabnoises]

TO WHICHEVER COMPLETE IGNORAMUSES THOUGHT THEY’D TRY THEIR ALREADY ROTTEN LUCK IN CONTACTING ME, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE JUST REACHED THE MOST HEINOUS ASSHOLE ON A SHIP ENTIRELY FULL OF HEINOUS ASSHOLES.

YOU WILL BE STUCK WITH PRESENT KARKAT, BECAUSE UNFORTUNATELY WE ONLY GET ONE APPLICATION ON HERE AND IT ISN’T TROLLIAN. SO IF YOU WANT TO JUSTIFIABLY YELL AT PAST KARKAT FOR WHATEVER DIPSHIT MISTAKES HE’S ABOUT TO PULL, OR IF YOU WANT FUTURE KARKAT’S VAGUE MUMBLINGS IMPLYING HORRIBLE SHIT THAT HASN’T HAPPENED YET BUT HE CAN NEVER BE BOTHERED TO TELL YOU HOW TO ACTUALLY STOP IT, THEN SORRY, I’LL JUST HAVE TO PASS THE BIG MIDDLE FINGER ALONG TO THEM FOR YOU.

Comments

[theweakhavepurpose]

[ Before Karkat wakes up, Pratt & Sharky's gift basket delivery service has come and gone, leaving a festive parcel outside his door. There's a tasteful notecard reading GET ALIVE SOON BUDDY.

Inside is various candies, these plastic keyrings probably about 10 of them, an extremely tasteful sign that makes no sense, and various other odds and ends. Go wild picking things out.

Welcome back to the Serena Eterna.]

[angrycrabnoises]

[Once Karkat is finally emotionally capable of leaving his bed, he stumbles over the gift basket on his way to the shower.]

SHIT. FUCK. DAMN.

[He looks through the gifts. The candies are all bright red. There is also a wooden green sign that says “Slowly & Quietly Please,” as well as a coffee mug that he somehow already broke. Whoever set this gift up must fucking hate him, he thinks.]

[Later on, the sign can be found on his wall.]

[stairwellshadow]

[Hey friend! How are you doing after that whole being dead thing?

...

Sure sounds tough.

Well, maybe a puzzle will cheer you up!

In the early hours of the morning, a black sheet of paper is slid underneath his door, matching the one taped outside the buffet. The only difference is the number of blanks and words:]



[There's a slot for Karkat to put his guessed letters, so... time to play!]

[angrycrabnoises]

There is an angry (and mildly terrified) shriek from Karkat’s cabin.

Soon, the puzzle is filled in with light gray marker:

S-H-I-T-H-E-A-D F-U-C-K O-F-F-!

[stairwellshadow]

[When it gets shoved back under the door with that message, it sits there for a while, before it's slid back with a note:]

if you didn't want to play, you could just say so.
i would have drawn you a picture instead, but you were rude, so you don't get one.

[angrycrabnoises]

CG: OH, YOU WERE GONNA DRAW ME A PICTURE?
CG: WOW, THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!
CG: I SURE DO REGRET TURNING DOWN YOUR SUPER FUN AND DEFINITELY NOT OMINOUS NOOSE GAME HUNG THREATENINGLY ON MY WALL AFTER MY RECENT DEMISE!
CG: HERE, I’LL DRAW YOU A PICTURE OF MY OWN, TO MAKE UP FOR IT!

[There is a crudely drawn picture of a nubby horned troll holding up a middle finger while taking a dump.]

[stairwellshadow]

you've already been told before not to be so vulgar.
swearing at people isn't going to make you many friends.
strike two.

[And just when Karkat picks up the note, there's the sound of wood splintering and groaning. If he checks the door, two large gashes have been left in the front.]

[angrycrabnoises]

[“WHAT THE FUCK?!?” can be heard from inside the cabin as Karkat picks up the note. Then, as the door is gashed, a breathy “WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK” repeats with increased panic.

Karkat freezes for a few moments until he is certain he can’t hear movement outside. He’s starting to hyperventilate again with fear. This has gone too far this time, and he definitely thinks he knows who’s responsible.

He slams the door open, equips his sickles, and storms down the hallway, checking around him in case of attack.]

Text Jan 16th

[konpeito_aji]

Sobriety sucks. Do you play board games?

I haven't seen you around lately. Are you okay?

If it helps, you were completely badass, and everyone knows it.

Did you make amends with Eridan, or was it a one-time thing?

This is the Demon King. My spouse is going sober so I am in solidarity. It sucks. In a bad way.

[angrycrabnoises]

CG: FIRST OFF, GREAT WAY TO START A CONVERSATION. REALLY LETS THE READER KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
CG: THIS IS SARCASM BY THE WAY.
CG: I KNOW IF I DON’T CLARIFY THEN YOU WILL JUST ASSUME IT’S AN ACTUAL COMPLIMENT.

CG: FOR THE RECORD, BOARD GAMES ARE CALLED THAT BECAUSE YOU ONLY PLAY THEM WHEN YOU ARE EXTREMELY BORED AND HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
CG: SO I’LL PLAY THEM UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES, I GUESS.

CG: NO, I HAVEN’T BEEN AROUND. NO, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ERIDAN.

CG: AND I SURE HOPE I LOOKED BADASS. THE WHOLE THING WAS MORTIFYING ENOUGH, I DON’T THINK I COULD HANDLE HAVING A STUPID-LOOKING CORPSE ON TOP OF EVERYTHING.

CG: AND CONGRATS FOR YOUR MATESPRIT? I DON’T KNOW THEM SO THIS INFORMATION MEANS NOTHING TO ME.
CG: OH, YOU MEAN YOU’RE ALSO TRYING TO BE SOBER.
CG: ...
CG: YES, I WILL PLAY A STUPID BOARD GAME.
CG: ONCE.

[konpeito_aji]

[His only regret is that he can't see this reaction in person. It's hilarious!]

[He would absolutely have taken it as a compliment, and frankly, still does!]

Would you rather Candyland, Life, or another one entirely? I am unfamiliar with Western Earth card games. As well as those two, but I found directions with them.

[angrycrabnoises]

CG: I KNOW CANDYLAND.
CG: MOSTLY BECAUSE ONE OF THE HUMANS I USED TO PLAY IT WITH KEPT MAKING WEIRDLY SEXUAL COMMENTS ABOUT LORD LICORICE AND MR. MINT.
CG: AND THEN GOING haha no im not gay AFTERWARDS.
CG: BECAUSE HUMANS SEEM TO HAVE A WEIRD COMPLEX ABOUT ROMANCING SOMEONE OF THE SAME GENDER FOR SOME REASON??

[konpeito_aji]

Must be American.

Damn. I kind of wish he was here because I want to hear all this deep lore I missed out on. I bet Klaus would love it. Especially for the obviously homoerotic in denialism.

My time/lands (Hell) don't have that problem. I still haven't figured out how/when America got like that. America is so odd. Even by Earther standards.

I want to go to Candyland someday. I hope it exists in some universe and I can find it.

[His new dream.]

[angrycrabnoises]

CG: IF HE FOLLOWED ME HERE, I THINK I WOULD FINALLY LOSE IT.
CG: THAT IS HOW YOU GET 3 AM RAPS ABOUT DORITOS.
CG: NOBODY WANTS THAT.

CG: FUCK, I’M WITH YOU ABOUT CANDYLAND.
CG: LET’S PETITION THE CAPTAIN. MAKE IT THE NEXT EXPEDITION.
CG: I’LL PROBABLY STRESS EAT UNTIL THE GUMDROP MOUNTAINS BECOMES ONE GUMDROP HILL.
CG: AND THEN DROWN MYSELF IN THE CHOCOLATE SYRUP LAKE.

[konpeito_aji]

Now I KNOW he's American. Pratt and the others might do that too, so avoid them as needed.

I'll leave it to you, but sign on and order the rest of the army to as well. I will eat the trees.